Despite appearances, the Chubby Chimney Botherer has a decent 5k under his sizeable belt and in fact, briefly held the North Pole ParkRun record, only recently beaten by a workshop elf with carbon inserts in their curly shoes. Though this record has since been cast into doubt after reports of a jiffy bag full of medicinal fairy dust being found under their bunk.

When asked about the secret to his phenomenal endurance, which allows him to cover thousands of miles in the course of one single night, the Sleigh-Bound Celebrity cited his tactical use of the numerous aid stations dotting the route. His nutrition strategy involves “smashing as many mince pies as a I can, whilst staying hydrated with whisky, brandy or, at a push, port and maybe sherry, with milk for recovery”. For those wishing to pursue the Santa-Claus-Couch-to-North-Pole Program, a leaflet is available, with complimentary Rennies, via the Christmas Post. The step-by-step program focusses on the importance of building up gradually, starting with one mince-pie a day, right up to the millions consumed over the night of the 24th by the big man himself.